It Is Hard To Stay Strong

I'm not really the stereotypical mother, so I've been told. I've been analyzing why I think the way I think. Metacognition if you will.

And I will.

Ok, this could get long and self-indulgent. Stop now if your time is valuable.

Here's a little secret about me. I'm into visualization.  I totally believe that if you can see it, you can achieve it.  I used to visualize myself playing sports. I used to visualize a married life with a tall, red-headed lumberjack (close). Now, I visualize where I would like to live, travel and even how I'd like to design my house.  That all being said, I never visualized me having children.

So, on my life went: married, employed, self-absorbed, sporadic, unplanned, always looking for the next destination, experience or at least the next get-together with friends.  I had no need for children.  

Now, I have children. Two.

I'm going to get to the point.  Here's the shakedown:

There are two types of moms:

1) Moms that have always wanted kids. Moms that before they were moms were practicing to be moms. Moms that before they had kids didn't really like to go out or get crazy, but are now finally most happy in life when at home with their children.

2) Women that will become the moms listed above.

I guess what I'm trying to articulate is that I've been trying so hard to hold on to my prior life. I resolved to not change who I was just because I was having kids. I didn't want to be like those women. Give me some examples you say. Ok, I will. I thought I could still just travel like always. I thought I could (Scott sold me on this one.) still go out anytime with friends and to happy hours.  I was determined to keep my sports car.  I was still going to raise hell and maybe take off some clothing after a night of drinking.  Yes, I was not going to let kids, babies, tots bring me down.

Well ladies and gentlemen, it is FREAKING HARD TO HOLD ON TO YOUR PAST LIFE once you become a mom.  Oh it is so hard.  And, let me just break it to you. Two kids makes it damned near impossible.  So, here is my struggle. I am laying it all on the line here in the virtual reality of blogger.  

I am about to just give in.  I am about to just throw in the towel and say, ok, I'm a mom #1 now.  Give me the mom jeans. Give me the minivan. Give me the Hobby Lobby membership discount card so I can buy stamps and ink pads. Give me play dates and MOPS and growth charts.  Hand over staying at home Thursday night, Friday night and Saturday night and liking it.

But I haven't given in yet. I still visualize my camper, my road trips, my rifle, my cooler of beer, my campfires, my kayak, my dreams of adventure.  I just have had to add in the two little girls bouncing around in the back with a portable dvd player, juice boxes and marshmallows for the campfire. I've had to expand my dreams and add Scout and Brooke riding quads and purple dirt bikes, and fishing with their dad and learning to surf and snowboard and start a fire.  If I can see it, I can achieve it.